I have often been the victim of unrequited love, many more times than I care to mention, and throughout all those times all I ever thought of was how horrible I felt wanting someone while they didn’t want me but never did I consider how they must feel after they find out that I liked them. More importantly though, is whether or not it was appropriate for me to have acted as I did and should it not have been appropriate, what then would have been the best course of action?
There was an instance in my life when I was unwaveringly devoted to a young lady named Krisha. The period of my life, I am ashamed to admit, lasted quite a long while. During this period I had asked her 9 times to go out with me to do various activities, ranging from attending the homecoming dance with me, to drinking tea after a performance and all 9 times I was turned down. It got to the point where the rejection was more or less expected and I was asking in the same manner that someone plays the lotto; expecting to lose every single time but thinking how great it would be if I actually did win. As with most people in this very same situation, I was focused entirely on my own personal anguish (which did inspire me to write some of my best poetry) and not once did I even consider how my ceaseless adoration must have made Krisha feel.
Looking back now I can see how ridiculously I behaved. I believed that if I just liked her enough that she would see how great of a person I was and love would conquer all. To me, tainted as I was by various movies, books and flights of fancy, this just seemed like the first logical step in romance, but to her I must have seemed like a stalker. Well, I don’t believe that I ever exhibited any stalker-like behavior, in fact I could barely speak to her, let alone trail her home or anything of that sort, but at the very least I must have come off persistent and at the very worst a clingy desperate and pathetic social pariah. This would naturally have made her uncomfortable. I can’t say exactly how she felt while rejecting my numerous advances, but considering that I never thought of her as particularly cruel, I would imagine that turning me down probably made her feel a little frustrated (since I never seemed to give up or go away) and maybe even a little bit guilty at having caused someone else pain (it was very clearly written across all of my features that I did not feel better after being rejected) and embarrassment (I often asked her out at school which is not exactly private). I may also very well have caused a little bit of stress, as at times I may have seemed to be lurking in the shadows, waiting for my chance to strike with an invitation to the movies. While I won’t say that she suffered as much as I did, I did most certainly cause her a decent level of distress with my actions.
Where these actions appropriate though? The romantic in me, that grows smaller as I become increasingly jaded, says that the only crime is that I didn’t profess my love more ardently and more often. Time has tempered me, however, and when I think about it now, I believe it was unjust of me to continually bombard her with my feelings and so often place her on the spot in a semi-public setting.
This raises the question, what would have been the right course of action to take? Considering the fact that if nothing is ventured that nothing would be gained, I would have to say that it is appropriate to express your feelings once and ask the person in question out once and maybe twice, although not in rapid succession. After the second attempt at some kind of social interaction with the intent of beginning a romantic relationship has failed I believe that, no matter how difficult, the most prudent course of action would be to cut ones losses and move on. It is not easy to do this, and I myself am struggling greatly with an attempt at doing this very thing, but often it is the right thing that is the most difficult and most painful thing to do.
All things considered, unrequited love stinks, but we should all remember that as bad as it sucks to be you, it also isn’t the most pleasant experience for the person that you adore and we should strive to lessen the burden of our feelings on another and realize that if someone doesn’t love you back it’s not a crime and if you look far enough and long enough, you'll find someone that better looking, more interesting and, most importantly, interested in you. As trite and sappy as that sounds.
Quote of the post: “Who is John Galt?” – First line of the novel Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Mea Culpa
It would be a lie to say that I’ve never felt like a hypocrite. I distinctly remember thinking that if ever there was a lady that liked me more then I liked her, and I had no desire to pursue a relationship with her, I would be as honest as I could with her and let her down as easily as possible. The reason why I said such a thing was because once I liked a lady much more then she liked me and she put me down; hard. Can you guess what happened when it was my turn to gently put aside the feelings of a young lady? Now I’m not as foul and shallow of a person as to be needlessly cruel, but I didn’t let her down easy. I lied to her. I told her she was pretty when I didn’t think she was and then I simply stopped talking to her. I ignored her, and the few times I did speak with her I was so disinterested that she quickly stopped trying to initiate conversation with me. I had done the very thing I never intended to do. I was not kind to that young lady and I was a hypocrite to boot. The question now though, is whether or not my actions were the result of a character flaw, or if merely being human was my failure.
I would consider myself a student of human nature, and in my studies I have found out a few things that are common amongst humans. Chief among them, as far as this essay is concerned, is the pattern of humans never blaming themselves for doing bad things. Humans will stretch logic to its breaking point to rationalize why they had to do things such as murder, robbery, or even rape. In this manner people can do things they would never normally do, for they believe, for whatever reason, that they are doing the right thing, or rather, the necessary thing. But this is only occurs after the fact, one must first do a hypocritical action in order to rationalize it.
So what is it that drives people to do something that is blatantly against whatever moral stance they have to begin with? After a little bit of research, it would seem that emotion is the main culprit for the moral corruption of humanity. Well, maybe I’m playing up the drama of it, but it is true that emotions do cause people to act, sometimes, far from rational. History, as well as all of our lives, is ripe with examples of this. I’m sure that all of us have been angry with someone and said things we shouldn’t have said, done things that we shouldn’t have done. The same can be said for many other emotions, like fear (not just fear of danger or harm), jealousy, love, even lust.
Don’t misunderstand me though. Even though emotions can cause things to get way out of hand, and often cause situations to escalate beyond our control, that doesn’t mean that they are bad things. Not entirely anyways. I mean, humans are emotional creatures and emotions are a necessary part of our lives, like it or not. The important thing to remember is that we need to keep some measure of control over our emotions and well, let the good times roll, as they say.
So when it’s all said and done, I suppose that my character is only partly to blame for my hypocrisy, the rest of the blame belongs to the emotional nature of humanity. Rationally, this makes sense, but personally, I feel that I should have been a stronger person, but everything looks different in hindsight.
Quote of the post: “It’s just emotion that’s taking me over, tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul.” - The Bee Gees from the song Emotion
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread
Perhaps I’m just the average male. Maybe it’s not unusual to obsess over women the way that I do, but in any event, my real or perceived obsession with women has led me to the obvious question; “Why do I spend so much time thinking about them?” Since then I have spent many hours in contemplation over this question and to be honest, I have learned little to nothing about why.
Maybe it has something to do with a magical power that all pretty women have. Often times I will find myself paralyzed by the sight of beautiful women, also I find myself acting much different around them. Worse yet is when I try to speak and everything I say comes out totally wrong. This evidence would suggest something of the mystic arts, but this still seems an unlikely reason.
What then could it be? I almost feel like women are totally different creatures, a different species even. They are such a mystery to me. I’ve spoken to a few women, and they tell me that women are not significantly different then men. They are only as different as one person is to another. It seems that I’ve come to another dead end.
Having exhausted all of my female sources of information, I turned to my fellow men. After several hours of conversation, it would seem that my lack of experience with women is the root of my obsession. Having no experience, according to my friends, is the reason that I can’t get them off my mind. Supposedly, getting a girlfriend and getting laid will cause I paradigm shift, of this though, I am doubtful.
So which is it? What is it that draws me to pretty women? What gives them such a demanding presence in my thoughts? What gives them this power over my waking and sleeping mind? After all of time I’ve spent trying to figure out why, I can only say that I don’t have the faintest idea. It would seem that the only thing I’ve accomplished is deepening my obsession of them.
Quote of the post: “Proof of heaven, as you’re living, pretty women” Sweeney Todd from the musical Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street by Stephen Soundheim
Maybe it has something to do with a magical power that all pretty women have. Often times I will find myself paralyzed by the sight of beautiful women, also I find myself acting much different around them. Worse yet is when I try to speak and everything I say comes out totally wrong. This evidence would suggest something of the mystic arts, but this still seems an unlikely reason.
What then could it be? I almost feel like women are totally different creatures, a different species even. They are such a mystery to me. I’ve spoken to a few women, and they tell me that women are not significantly different then men. They are only as different as one person is to another. It seems that I’ve come to another dead end.
Having exhausted all of my female sources of information, I turned to my fellow men. After several hours of conversation, it would seem that my lack of experience with women is the root of my obsession. Having no experience, according to my friends, is the reason that I can’t get them off my mind. Supposedly, getting a girlfriend and getting laid will cause I paradigm shift, of this though, I am doubtful.
So which is it? What is it that draws me to pretty women? What gives them such a demanding presence in my thoughts? What gives them this power over my waking and sleeping mind? After all of time I’ve spent trying to figure out why, I can only say that I don’t have the faintest idea. It would seem that the only thing I’ve accomplished is deepening my obsession of them.
Quote of the post: “Proof of heaven, as you’re living, pretty women” Sweeney Todd from the musical Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street by Stephen Soundheim
Unrealistic Expectations and Insanity
I was thinking to myself the other day about mechanisms for coping with the stresses of modern life and I tried to decide which one is best. I came up with a few good ones, but what’s best for me isn’t necessarily available to everyone. So, considering availability and the cost effectiveness of each of the many methods that I have tried I came to the conclusion that having unrealistic expectations is the most available and efficient coping method. Insanity is a close second, but it has its own rather serious drawbacks.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. Having unrealistic expectations is a form of denial, but I’m not advocating that you deny anything. I think its best that I give an example. Say for instance I go in to an interview, if I go in thinking that I already have the job, then I’ll be much more confident in myself since I’m under the impression that the job is mine. This will also relieve the stress brought on by worrying constantly about whether or not I managed the impress the hiring manager enough or if I had the qualifications or experience to get the job. Then let’s say that I don’t get the job, what then? Using this method it would be best to just assume that since the company didn’t hire me that they are going to collapse or that the person they hired instead is gonna rob them blind and never do as good of a job as I could have done. Additionally, you can use the same method for a second attempt; that is if you don’t get the job with one interview you can simply say that the next interview you have will be a guaranteed job, all the while keeping your hopes in check. I suppose it’s a kind of a contradiction, cause you want to keep your hopes really, really high and at the same time make sure that you don’t depend on any of your hopes coming true.
Keep in mind though that it is important to be a realist sometimes. Having unrealistic expectations can be very useful for relieving stress, but overuse can promote a detachment from reality or turn an otherwise well rounded individual into an arrogant prick. The key is moderation. For the most part, I only recommend using this coping method for things that are not vital to everyday living but still cause a great deal of stress, such as the hunt for relationships. It is also pretty fair when it comes to the increasingly difficult hunt for jobs, as I have mentioned, but on that note, it should only be used if one is going to a lot of interviews and passing out a copious number or resumes and completing many applications.
I did mention insanity as an effective coping mechanism and in the words of The Joker, “Madness is the emergency exit. You can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away... forever.” There are obvious advantages to going crazy in modern society. Depending on the type of craziness you may care for absolutely nothing or only a very small number of things. Also, in modern society you would be put into a mental institution, which would mean that you wouldn’t have to get a job, pay rent, own a car, provide food, or even cook for yourself. You may not even have to bathe yourself. The major drawback though is that you can only really do it once and once you’ve gone bonkers and been shackled up in the wacko basket you usually stay there for a real long time and if you don’t, then most all of your problems will be right where you left them. So unless you’re really willing to commit I don’t recommend this method.
Hopefully you’ve found what I’ve said to be at least interesting and at most helpful. Just remember that although it is important to be realistic, you can’t be realistic all the time, life is just too damn cruel to live like that.
Qoute of the Post: "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry." -Ernest Hemingway
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. Having unrealistic expectations is a form of denial, but I’m not advocating that you deny anything. I think its best that I give an example. Say for instance I go in to an interview, if I go in thinking that I already have the job, then I’ll be much more confident in myself since I’m under the impression that the job is mine. This will also relieve the stress brought on by worrying constantly about whether or not I managed the impress the hiring manager enough or if I had the qualifications or experience to get the job. Then let’s say that I don’t get the job, what then? Using this method it would be best to just assume that since the company didn’t hire me that they are going to collapse or that the person they hired instead is gonna rob them blind and never do as good of a job as I could have done. Additionally, you can use the same method for a second attempt; that is if you don’t get the job with one interview you can simply say that the next interview you have will be a guaranteed job, all the while keeping your hopes in check. I suppose it’s a kind of a contradiction, cause you want to keep your hopes really, really high and at the same time make sure that you don’t depend on any of your hopes coming true.
Keep in mind though that it is important to be a realist sometimes. Having unrealistic expectations can be very useful for relieving stress, but overuse can promote a detachment from reality or turn an otherwise well rounded individual into an arrogant prick. The key is moderation. For the most part, I only recommend using this coping method for things that are not vital to everyday living but still cause a great deal of stress, such as the hunt for relationships. It is also pretty fair when it comes to the increasingly difficult hunt for jobs, as I have mentioned, but on that note, it should only be used if one is going to a lot of interviews and passing out a copious number or resumes and completing many applications.
I did mention insanity as an effective coping mechanism and in the words of The Joker, “Madness is the emergency exit. You can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away... forever.” There are obvious advantages to going crazy in modern society. Depending on the type of craziness you may care for absolutely nothing or only a very small number of things. Also, in modern society you would be put into a mental institution, which would mean that you wouldn’t have to get a job, pay rent, own a car, provide food, or even cook for yourself. You may not even have to bathe yourself. The major drawback though is that you can only really do it once and once you’ve gone bonkers and been shackled up in the wacko basket you usually stay there for a real long time and if you don’t, then most all of your problems will be right where you left them. So unless you’re really willing to commit I don’t recommend this method.
Hopefully you’ve found what I’ve said to be at least interesting and at most helpful. Just remember that although it is important to be realistic, you can’t be realistic all the time, life is just too damn cruel to live like that.
Qoute of the Post: "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry." -Ernest Hemingway
Love and the Lack of it
What is it about love that everyone, well, loves? I’ve done a lot of research on the topic and it appears that love is not a single feeling and it also is nearly impossible to define since love has so many different meanings. Ranging from the deepest of romantic love to the simplest of platonic love, it can even refer to an attachment to an object. Additionally it is one of human kind’s basic needs. Babies will actually die if they don’t feel loved. Then to compound the problem it is the most common concept expressed in the creative arts, for obvious reasons, and as consequence it totally saturates popular culture and the word itself has become, in my opinion, way over used. Which makes something very interesting happen; in most cases people just toss around the love like its meaningless, then sometimes, saying the word love can have earth shattering importance.
To be honest though, my experience with love, romantic love at least, is rather limited. I have never had the chance to tell someone that I love them, despite probably having genuinely loved a few people. I would count myself as an expert on the topic of unrequited love. Often have I pined for someone who will simply never feel the same way about me that I feel about them. It almost feels like it’s my lot in life. However in the modern era, we have the advantage of internet dating, but this brings with it another kind of possibly even worse pain then your garden variety unrequited love. You see, sometimes you get someone to like you, and like you for who you really are, but as soon as they see you, the attraction has ended. It really strikes home when you realize that you won them over. They liked you, they really did, but your physical appearance killed whatever could have been. That’s what hurts the most. Not to say I’m a bad looking guy, but everyone has their preference. Truth be told that particular case of unrequited love was very much doomed from the get go, but that doesn’t lessen the pain, not at all.
In any case I’m getting off topic. So how does one live with love? It is quite obvious that we can’t live without it, well, we can but it certainly isn’t pleasant. In all my time on this earth, I still don’t have any recommendations. Everyone has their own way of dealing with love. In the case of mutual love, often the best course of action is simply to enjoy it. In the case of one sided love… we all have our own ways of coping. I guess the only thing to say is that, for me at least, love is ridiculously complicated and it seems to be the cause and solution to almost all of life’s problems.
Quote of the post: The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence regardless of their chosen field of endeavor. – Vince Lombardi
To be honest though, my experience with love, romantic love at least, is rather limited. I have never had the chance to tell someone that I love them, despite probably having genuinely loved a few people. I would count myself as an expert on the topic of unrequited love. Often have I pined for someone who will simply never feel the same way about me that I feel about them. It almost feels like it’s my lot in life. However in the modern era, we have the advantage of internet dating, but this brings with it another kind of possibly even worse pain then your garden variety unrequited love. You see, sometimes you get someone to like you, and like you for who you really are, but as soon as they see you, the attraction has ended. It really strikes home when you realize that you won them over. They liked you, they really did, but your physical appearance killed whatever could have been. That’s what hurts the most. Not to say I’m a bad looking guy, but everyone has their preference. Truth be told that particular case of unrequited love was very much doomed from the get go, but that doesn’t lessen the pain, not at all.
In any case I’m getting off topic. So how does one live with love? It is quite obvious that we can’t live without it, well, we can but it certainly isn’t pleasant. In all my time on this earth, I still don’t have any recommendations. Everyone has their own way of dealing with love. In the case of mutual love, often the best course of action is simply to enjoy it. In the case of one sided love… we all have our own ways of coping. I guess the only thing to say is that, for me at least, love is ridiculously complicated and it seems to be the cause and solution to almost all of life’s problems.
Quote of the post: The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence regardless of their chosen field of endeavor. – Vince Lombardi
Dating Hypocrisy
American culture is filled with contradictions. Some of these contradictions we share with other cultures but for the most part Americans are unique in their level of hypocrisy. Take the dating scene for instance. As a man, I am expected to initiate every date I go on. That is, I am expected to ask the lady in question out on a date to an appropriate place so that we may better get to know one another. In addition to this, I’m expected to pay for everything because it’s rude to invite someone to go somewhere with you if you’re not paying for them to go. Furthermore, I’m expected to be myself the entire time.
Now here is the contradiction. The aforementioned lady will not agree to go on a date with someone she’s never met or doesn’t know, so in order for me to go on a date with her so that we can better get to know one another, I have to get to know her better. Also, if I get to know her too well, I run the risk of falling into the friend zone. Now, you may argue that if a lady is attracted to me, it is impossible to fall into the friend zone, but according to most women, it’s a man’s personality that is important so far as relationships go, not looks and although this statement is a boldfaced lie, I am expected to believe it since there is no reason for a person to lie about something of that nature.
Moving right along, paying for my date to go to the movies or to dinner or even out for some coffee (I actually prefer tea but nobody seems to drink tea these days) seems like the proper thing to do, but weren’t there all those women who wanted to be treated like equals? I mean, you can hardly say that someone is getting equal treatment if someone else pays for all of their entertainment. I would call that special treatment.
Additionally, on a first date, nobody wants to see the real you. They want to see the best version of the real you, but they don’t want you to lie, and if they find out that you lied about yourself then its over, no matter how long you’ve been together. How can they trust you if you lied to them about yourself on the first date? So you go on dating this person for a long time and then when you move in together, or god forbid you get married, then you can show them the real you, and you have to hope against all odds that they’ll still accept you. Then, wouldn’t you know it, they show you the real them. If you’re lucky, you’ll have developed a strong enough connection that it won’t matter. Usually people will say that the real you doesn’t bother them, but it does, and after a while, they just kind of drift away from you.
These types of things are what make me bitter, especially towards women. I mean, they have the easy job. All they have to do is sit around and look pretty, and wait for a guy to ask them out on a date. The worst part though, is that I’m bitter and lonely. If I want companionship I have to perpetuate the cycle.
Quote of the post: Fashion is a form of ugliness so foul that we must alter it every 6 months – Oscar Wilde
Now here is the contradiction. The aforementioned lady will not agree to go on a date with someone she’s never met or doesn’t know, so in order for me to go on a date with her so that we can better get to know one another, I have to get to know her better. Also, if I get to know her too well, I run the risk of falling into the friend zone. Now, you may argue that if a lady is attracted to me, it is impossible to fall into the friend zone, but according to most women, it’s a man’s personality that is important so far as relationships go, not looks and although this statement is a boldfaced lie, I am expected to believe it since there is no reason for a person to lie about something of that nature.
Moving right along, paying for my date to go to the movies or to dinner or even out for some coffee (I actually prefer tea but nobody seems to drink tea these days) seems like the proper thing to do, but weren’t there all those women who wanted to be treated like equals? I mean, you can hardly say that someone is getting equal treatment if someone else pays for all of their entertainment. I would call that special treatment.
Additionally, on a first date, nobody wants to see the real you. They want to see the best version of the real you, but they don’t want you to lie, and if they find out that you lied about yourself then its over, no matter how long you’ve been together. How can they trust you if you lied to them about yourself on the first date? So you go on dating this person for a long time and then when you move in together, or god forbid you get married, then you can show them the real you, and you have to hope against all odds that they’ll still accept you. Then, wouldn’t you know it, they show you the real them. If you’re lucky, you’ll have developed a strong enough connection that it won’t matter. Usually people will say that the real you doesn’t bother them, but it does, and after a while, they just kind of drift away from you.
These types of things are what make me bitter, especially towards women. I mean, they have the easy job. All they have to do is sit around and look pretty, and wait for a guy to ask them out on a date. The worst part though, is that I’m bitter and lonely. If I want companionship I have to perpetuate the cycle.
Quote of the post: Fashion is a form of ugliness so foul that we must alter it every 6 months – Oscar Wilde
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